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Apr. 14th, 2010

vince noir

Writer's Block: Out of fashion

If you could choose which fashions would go out of style permanently, what would you choose, and why?

I felt i needed to answer this having worked in a high street fashion shop for nearly 3 years now. There are SO many times i've cringed as i've put an item into somebodys bag and sent them on their way. So here are my worst fashion faux pas of the last few years (and indeed EVER)

1. Double Denim
As my friend said the other week, "double deniming is the worst thing you could ever do" she's right, no matter what Vogue and Cosmo tell you, it's never gonna be cool. SO whether all the top models are doing or not, remember their a supermodel and you're not. Just resist and know that It's always gonna make you look like the missing member of a butch looking 80's girlband. It's the sort of thing my mum made me do when i was little and had no choice in how i dressed and i will never EVER forgive her for that.

2. Writing across your arse
I'm talking "gorgeous" or "cutie" written across the back of your 10 year olds joggers. It's just not right. As for the grown up's, unless you're orange with bleach blonde hair and a fake louis vuitton bag you should just know better. Everyone is going to look at you and say "umm no" and not because you're not "gorgeous" (although there's obv the possiblity that you aren't and thats just embarrassing)but because arrogance is not an attractive quality in a girl. Other than all of that. THEY'RE JUST NOT FLATTERING!

3. Tucking your trackies into your socks
This was never gonna work was it? I know it was all the rage in the tudor times or whatever but this trend paired with an oddly-angled TN hat is just gonna get you labelled as a fail. The girls aren't gonna look twice at you (unless they're giddy 12 year old girls who go weak at the knees at the thought of having an 'older and more mature boy' i.e someone who's 13. Then you're in)

4. Maxi Dresses
This isn't so much a fashion faux pas, in fact on most people they look amazinggggg my main gripe is that i'm bitter because i'm only 5"2 and can't get away with wearing them without looking like snow whites extra roommate.

and finally....
cheap diamante detailing. It's on EVERYTHING these days. I remember the days when diamantes were only found on cheap market stalls and were avoided by the plague. I've seen so many clothes lately where i've thought WOW look at that....wait, is that a diamante? eurggghhh look how tacky looking that shirt is...why did they put that there!?! and, as someone who's job is to sell clothes to people. They are mainly worn by overweight middle aged women in search of their wasted youth. Sorry to ruin the illusion and all

Sep. 9th, 2008

vince noir

(no subject)

or infact, not.

I thought i'd blog some shit for ya. Firstly, i'm getting ridiculously nervous about tomorrow not because 'the world will end' but because tomorrow is college, and i have to actually put myself in a situation where i talk to people i've never even met. I stopped sleeping properly a week or two since, my appetite has gone now completely and i feel sick when i eat, i've been feeling tense all day, i've been feeling down for about a week.....and it took me until TODAY to realise that it's because of tomorrow, i'm that slack :| I really am bricking it, because i don't want to be the one sat quiet in the corner, i'm spending 15 hours a week with these people for the next 2 years. Mum was all "well you managed at work" but tbh they all started talking to me not the other way round, even with liam, i waited for him to talk to me (about 3 weeks tbh, because he's the same as me with social situations LOLZ) and fair enough now we get on ridiculously well and all but still.

Anyways, onto this whole world ending thing, basically for once i'm attempting to be rational about it, rather than letting the real me shove in and tell me otherwise, it's only half working particularly because everyone is like 'ZOMFG end of the world' and that always panics me tbh, it's like rationally i know it's bollocks (i mean i've read up on it and that) irrationally the old panicky me is like blah blah blah, when i'm saying stuff like "see you on thurs if we're still here" i think i'm only half joking which is worrying for me tbh, i mean by 11 tomorrow night i'll be fine cos y'know then it's almost thursday haha.
Thinking about it though, if it DID happen, it'd suck mainly because i have a MASSIVE issue with endings, but also because i'd never have had the chance to make my life any better...and well tbh that'd be the worst thing, i just said to mum about it being completely irrational because everyone has to die someday whether it's tomorrow or in 70 years and it's something everyone has to deal with, so why am i so fucking bothered about it? i genuinely won't be happy until it's thursday i won't sleep tonight, i won't eat tomorrow, i'm gonna be ridiculously depressed, i'm about to throw up any minute now tbh...mum was ever so helpful, she basically just completely under-estimates how i feel when i'm like this tbh. Also, i'll die lonely, and single and unhappy and that'd be the worst thing ever, they clearly haven't considered this....cos y'know i'm just a 17-year old in england one of like 10 billion people in the world or something they couldn't give a shit. If it did end, i wish it'd at least end nicely like with him suddenly confessing his undying love to me (not gonna happen anyways, realistically but also cos i won't see him tomorrow he doesn't have my mobile no and he doesn't go on myspace hahaha) shame, i'll just have to hope it definately doesn't happen won't i, cos i really do wish that'd happen one day, just cos i really don't have the guts to tell HIM and i'm just hoping he feels the same and is too scared to tell me (unlikely i know)

I just tried to talk to mum about all this (with the exception of the boy problems) and it didn't go brillantly, i guess mainly cos nobody actually KNOWS what'll happen tomorrow but also because i don't think she completely understands the whole social situations thing, as far as she's concerned i'm just a bit quiet for like 10 mins and then i'm fine, i know differently tbh it's just really difficult to put into words and i guess if they're not there with me they'd never know....frankly i'm shitting myself more about this whole meeting new people thing than i am about this LHC thing because i understand it a lot more than i understand that and it'll only affect me really i guess. Tomorrow is basically a nightmare day, because i have to deal with social situations/the unknown AND potential endings (all of which my old counsellor said i have issues with) Either way, if i see thursday it'll be a bloody miracle lol. Oh and thursday is september 11th, ANOTHER depressing day for everyone right? I'll blog again thursday if none of the above happens haha, and then you can all laugh at me for being so pathetic right?

May. 11th, 2008

vince noir


So Friday wasn't such a good day, i went to the 'specialist' woman again. I came away with....A LEAFLET ABOUT DEPRESSION and a 'guidance counsellor to help me plan my days' I didn't point it out BUT i don't actually NEED anyone to help me 'plan my days' as my days are planned thanks. I was REALLY pissed off i have to say, i had to stop myself from crying tbh i was that annoyed about it, i mean i could have picked up a leaflet for myself.
Anyways, i went into town stright after, got half way round tesco and obviously, i started crying...then mum goes 'oh i'm off now' so i'm stood in the middle of town, stressed out, upset, hating life etc the only thing i could think of was 'oh i'll go to the market place' i got in, the woman goes 'oh i can see you're distressed but you're gonna have to go away for half an hour' so i stood outside crying, alone, feeling the worst i've felt in a few months, listening to bright eyes thinking what i'm usually thinking at that point 'wouldn't it be convenient to just walk in front of a bus' etc (and some stuff i don't really want to say out loud cos it sounds really horrible and selfish)then obviously everyone was too busy with college and stuff and the last thing i needed was to be alone when i was in that state but thats how it was i guess.

I hate how much time i spend alone nowadays, everyone is too busy, even my parents are too busy to do anything with me, even if it's just sitting down for a chat. I can't even make myself feel better nowadays. It's like when i was off work the other week and i came home crying and mum spent like 30 mins with me and goes 'oh i'm off to work now, bye' and left me on my own and when i was like i was on friday i rang her and she goes 'oh well i can't do much i'm already out of town' people don't seem to realise how much been alone drives me insane. It really does, and i know people can't just throw away their lives to make mine better, i just wish there was just like 1 person i could see on a day-to-day basis who i could just talk to about stuff and feel better etc. But there isn't, because everyone is so busy living their own lives that they don't have the time to help me make mine better. I've completely given up on everything tbh, the NHS clearly aren't going to do anything for me, nobody else CAN do anything for me, I can't do anything for me, it's just like whats the point anymore. I don't go out with anyone anymore, if i go anywhere it's ALWAYS alone. I just walk around town on my own, thinking about how shit everything is, how much better it would be if life was normal or i could just have some sort of medication, then i go to these counsellors and shit, expecting them to do something about it KNOWING that it's not just gonna change overnight and that i'm stuck with this for at least the next few years with or without medication. It drives me mad, i can't even do anything about it, and i think thats what makes me feel the worst. I'm just a complete and utter mess, except nobody but me realises just how much because i can't even put into words anymore, so how is anyone even meant to help me in the first place. It's at the point where even if i DID have someone to talk to about it it wouldn't make me feel any better, because just talking isn't gonna make it go away, I'm sick of the fucking doctors blaming it on the fact that i've had 'traumatic experiences' because as i have said many times now it's not even that anymore. It's just my whole life in general, down to the tiniest things, because for me if something can go wrong it ALWAYS does, there's no ifs and buts about it, thats just how it is. And fuck the NHS just giving me leaflets and shit because they can do that all they want, because at the end of the day it's not them who have to live with it so why should they give a shit if they help me out or not.

Anyways, i'd say that going out tonight might help it a bit, but thats not going to happen, because i just know that any time soon Nikki is gonna text me saying "Oh i can't go tonight" because thats what everyone does to me, i'm clearly not supposed to enjoy anything, or have any sort of good thing happen to me, or spend time with people, or feel better even just for a minute anymore. Because who wants to spend time with someone who's just gonna spend hours on end moaning about how much she hates her life and how much she wishes things would get better, because I probably wouldn't.

I've moaned enough anyways, I don't even need to write it on here anymore, it's just taken for granted that this is how i feel about things, I wish they'd fucking do something about it, but they won't, STILL and i CAN'T. Maybe it's better that i just don't go out anywhere or see anyone anymore, at least at home there aren't as many things to go wrong, and i don't need to spend money, and the only thing that will make me hate things a little bit more is that occasionally i'll get the odd text saying 'oh yeah i can't see you i'm busy' or 'aww it sucks you feel like that' and 'lol oh dear'

Thanks a fucking lot everyone, and everything, and me for messing me life up even more than it already was. I know it's so offhand that i'm blaming people for actually DOING something with their life but fuck it, that's how i feel.

Jan. 1st, 2008

vince noir

I hate it when people point out things like this....

"You're not affectionate at all"
it's like thanks a lot, point out the fact that I STILL have issues despite every attempt to rid myself of them. I mean seriously, it makes me sound like one of those evil godmother types in fairytales, the ones who have no love for anyone or anything and just go around been cold and nasty.

That's when i start wondering whether there's any hope really, all i ever hear lately is "oh you look sad" "Oh cheer up charlotte, it might never happen" and worst of all "You know thats the first time i've seen you smile" That was said by my psychology teacher on the last day of college, SHE'S BEEN TEACHING ME FOR 3 MONTHS, i genuinely never thought anyone noticed things like that...i have to say it really makes you feel better... *note sarcasm* i know i have to get over it at some point it's gone on long enough tbh but i can't go around pretending to be happy and that everything is brilliant, because i'm not particularly and it isn't. Sometimes i wish someone would talk to me about it or something rather than just mentioning it and then leaving me to it or giving up on me altogether. I don't want to be like this, i want to be happy...

That my friends is my first blog of 2008 on LJ, i wasn't expecting everything to change overnight obv but it's hardly my ideal start to the year...

Dec. 17th, 2007

vince noir

I haven't been this bad for ages tbh

and i know i've said that a lot, but today was the first time in 2 years where i've nearly thrown up after a meal just because i wasn't happy. Today is the first time in ages when it's been a massive effort just to walk a metre and i've found it hard to just hold my head up. The only music i actually want to listen to is Bright Eyes and i just wanna sit and cry tbh.

Admittedly it's been made worse because someone just said to me "i'm sure you have no idea what a depressive mood is" like they're the only person who's ever been 'depressed', i'm sorry but fuck off BUT instead of going for the whole sob story for once, i decided to just leave it and walk away. I never realised how difficult that is when somebody says something like that to you, but on the other hand i'd rather not bring up my life story just to prove a point particularly when someones only known me for a month.

I've been trying so hard for the last few months to put it all behind me and for a while i thought i had, but clearly not. I KNOW these things are never gonna go away, i know that i'm always gonna have depression/anxiety/stress etc because once you've had it you're stuck with it for life, even if it's not there for years on end it'll come back again one day, at least thats what they tell you in counselling.

So yeah, today is not a particularly good day, but i guess it's been coming for a while now...i mean i've been missing lessons because i've "needed to sleep" and that doesn't happen unless i'm in one of those moods even if i don't realise at the time.

The one question i have to ask though...all this because i called someone immature? is it really worth it??? what did i ever to do to deserve all this???

Dec. 3rd, 2007

vince noir

this is what was on my "restore previous draft" thingy just now

I don't think i ever realised how hard it would be not to tell people at college about my past and why i'm like i am, and now people are asking questions, i really have no idea what to tell them. I genuinely thought i was past all this. I mean Sian knows about the panic attacks but she doesn't know why and even that was only because we watched a programme in media and i was like "i can't watch this, it'll give me panic attacks again" but the rest of the time i just sort of managed to hide it because generally "just feeling a bit down" covers it. I don't want people to see me like this and i don't want to be like this. I think it's been building without me even realising tbh

Psychology made it even worse the other day, once again people throwing the word "schizo" in with the word "murderer" and to make it worse we watched "One flew over the cuckoos nest" and it was set in a mental home. Obviously all the walls were white and there was barbed wire fencing all the way around it and rather than trying to see past it, i focussed on that for the whole 3 hours, that and how much one of the guys reminded me a bit of my grandma in how he spoke and acted and things. That kinda bought back some things that quite honestly i thought i'd managed to put to the back of my mind, not forgotten, just sort of blocked it out (one moment in particular). Dad told me to stop being silly obviously when i told him why i didn't like it, he was like "they don't mean it like that charlotte, it's a comedy"

I guess this is whats gonna happen now everytime people get somewhere near the real me, cos let's face it, this is the real me. I think i just managed to have my first panic attack since Jordans Party (that was actually valid though to be fair what with someone getting stabbed and all), which is good to know, not so much the hyperventilating or anything but the shivering uncontrollably and crying for ages. I put music on to help it but the first song that came on was "have a nice day" fucksake even that pissed me off, so i've turned to Bright Eyes for the first time in ages, i still don't get how depressing music cheers you up, it's not like "oh they're lots more depressed than me" because more often than not i relate to what they're saying.

I guess the fact that i've managed this long without cracking up is a good sign though, i mean almost 2 weeks of happiness is better than at any point during the last year of high school tbh Oh and idk if i mentioned it on here at any point but i managed to break my "no sleep before 12" OCD thing twice in the last few months. I was well proud, even managed an 11.30 but i was poorly so i don't think that counts, not past the lights thing though :(

Mar. 19th, 2007

vince noir

see i'm easily fucking pleased me XD

i have to let this out soon otherwise i'm gonna go POP!




and that miss pailing is pretty much how i feel right this minute


I know you've already seen all that but seriously, i'm so fucking excited and theres nobody online to share it with, and the site won't load, but i'm fucking happy anyway, just cos it's leeds fest again (erm, in like 5 months but still) WOW!

Now, i know nobody else shares my PASSION for indie music, so i can't expect them to be this excited but omigosh you wouldn't believe. I just want to shout really loudly and giggle and jump up and down whilst listening to busted. haha. Oh and some random from myspace said "oh you can come with me" haha don't worry i'm not that stupid, i have no idea who he is, i didn't even know he was on my friends list lol.

I don't know which day to go, cos the mainstages look a bit crap except for saturday, but the tents look way better on the other days. DILEMMA! why aren't any of you on line to discuss it with, mummys off for tickets in the morn, and i don't even know who i'm going with haha. I s'pose if none of you are going dad will :D

I'm fully aware that i am rambling, but i'm still not gonna stop. In my excitement i just nearly ordered weekend tickets on NME.com haha, it wasn't on purpose it was a silly link thing. I don't even care where i'm gonna get the money from (mum does though lol), i have 5 months to get it. All this and i don't even know the final line-up properly yet, all i know is that on one of the sites it says:

The view-confirmed

and thats good enough for me. The best thing?? FESTIVAL SHOPPING! it shall fit in with my summer shopping, because i obviously need a whole new wardrobe and emma is coming with me, even if she doesn't come to leeds fest.


haha, this is rather pathetic, it wouldn't happen if you came online and told me to STFU would it?

I think that is long enough now, expect a pretty much identical blog on myspace soon. Because i'm good find out the line-up any minute now.

Mar. 15th, 2007

vince noir

lol, a good blog for once

So, todays been a bit good, i've wrote about most of it on myspace, but i can't put this on there cos it'll mention names.

I think, i know what i'm wearing tomorrow, not 100% sure, it involves a skirt, so if i'm feeling a bit self concious jeans it shall be. Not that anyone cares lol.

Anyway, so to the happy smiley part of le bloggintons. I got the bus tonight, and hannah Lowe, ashleigh robb, and that creepy leanne girl (blonde hair, brown eyebrows, weird nose), were discussing music and shit with each other. Naturally i listened in. Heres what happened...

> On them put 'welcome to the black parade' on their phone, and played it out loud and then the other went "omg i soo love that song"
> "you listen to slipknot"
"no i don't they scare me"
"you said the other week you listen to slipknot. I like them!"
> Hannah: I don't know what i'd class me as, i guess i'm a bit emo, but i'm mostly indie

LMFAO Made my day that conversation did. That is the conversation they must have everyday. Scary. What's even scarier is that they love MCR but only heard of them when they released black parade. *cough* losers *cough*

I mean i'm sure they're nice people and all, but seriously, stick to what you know, because next thing i knew they were playing mcfly on their phones. I'ma play a game with them one day. Who can last longest in front of actual emo/indiekids.

Me, emo, charleston Vs Hannah, leanne, ashleigh

All they have to say is "omg i love panic at the disco" and thats them done for. Oh how i shall larf. Hopefully that bandwagon will crash soon, cos i want my music back, give it up fools!

Feb. 18th, 2007

vince noir

This week has been a bit too much tbh

Well, i was all excited at the beginning of this week, until it all started going wrong.

I'll start with the highlight of this week though. On thursday went to see the holloways with emma and hannah (yes, emma you will see why by the end of this blog) i was at the fooking barrier YAY! hannah and emma were behind for most but eventually got next to me. I shook the guitarists hand as he walked down the front, actually made eye contact with alfie (lead singer) more than once :D, got a grape of alfie (it would have been the whole bunch but my arms are too short to catch them)and an orange of the fiddle player (yes they have a fiddle player haha) all in all i was one very happy bunny by the end of the night.

But tbh the bad stuff has outnumbered the good this week. Yes, it has been my birthday, i got a cashmere cardy for £30 in M&S, i've seen the holloways erm yeah see what i mean.

So my birthday didn't exactly go as planned, turns out hannah was hating on emma, which completely ruined the day as it was, but then i asked emma if she wanted to come to the holloways, hannah was fine with it when we asked her, and so emma rang her mum, we got to crash and then all of a sudden hannah goes "i don't want her there, and i don't get why you do, but now you can't say no cos she's said shes coming" all in front of emma, so basically i was expected to make a decision on the spot, of course i did what anyone else would do, said "you know what fuck you both i'm not gonna choose" and walked out. It appears that was just the beginning of it. Hannah went off home and left me and emma to sort it out, i didn't want to hurt either of their feelings, and so just swore a lot, as i do when i'm annoyed. In the end i decided that emma was coming and that was that.

And so she did, by the time it got to the gig all was forgotten, we laughed at the boy infront who looked remarkably like a lesbian, danced, sang loudly, i refused to look at the stage throughout the whole of captain blacks' set because the guitarist looked like josh (not something i want to be reminded of, but see comments on myspace to understand what i mean) and everything was fab.

Then it all went shit again, because yesterday i attempted to get tickets for the view and klaxons, all of which was sold out, due to the fact that despite my warnings that they'd sell out quickly hannah and emma decided we'd "wait a while" for tickets. At night we were gonna see hot fuzz, and go to hard rock cafe, dad cancelled the latter due to the fall out the other day, and well hot fuzz don't even go there, we went to leeds, got to the front of the queue and heard the words "HOT FUZZ IS SOLD OUT!" and so we went to kirkstall, it didn't start there until 9, which was apparently too late, so we got picked up again, went home, got back to leeds half an hour before the next showing and yep, that was sold out too. Then dad decided he didn't like me again. I sat in the bathroom crying and then felt mean on hannah, but i didn't want her to see me crying. Basically once again i turned into self pitying little bitch again for a night, but i don't see that it's too much to ask, more than a few hours of happiness isn't too much to ask after 6 years of crap. But it seems so, but i'm back to normal again now, i.e not crying about everything, feeling a bit better. Oh and the other day i did sort of get over my fear of rejection a bit, i went in 15 shops asking about jobs, and even though the first few said no i didn't give up *proud*

Hopefully this week will be better, what with college interviews and all.

anyway, i'm off to watch skins now

Feb. 13th, 2007

vince noir


I just moved my leg and it hurt. :(

Anyhoo, haven't blogged on here for a few days. So i'm gonna lol. FYI This blog has absolutely no structure to it. Tis just random pieces of information scattered across a page.

TIS MY BIRFDEE TOMORROW!!!!!!!! Huzzah. I'm gonna spend lots of money on clothes avec mon copains! And then the day after is the Holloways gig.

I have spent everyday of the holiday so far with hannah....
Sunday: slept at hannahs
Monday: Walked to Allerton bywater from garforth
Today: Went to royal armouries with hannah and ant
Tomorrow: Going to leeds, avec mon copains
Thursday: HOLLOWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday: N/A
Saturday: Hot fuzz and HRC
Sunday: N/A

I'm currently playing "guess the present" on webcam with hannah. So far one is "long and pointy", one "looks like a cushion" but isn't and the other is deffo a duck. All of them are wrapped in colourful (and stripy) wrapping paper. WOOO!

Incase you hadn't noticed i'm rather excited about tomorrow, it's always at this point that i forget tis valentines day tomorrow and just get excited about my birthday. Even if i am old haha.

Bought the Klaxons album today. OMFG IT RULES!!!!!!! You have to buy it

Dad forgot to pick me up so i had to ring him to come and get me (even if i was stood at a bus stop)

I got my college interviews at last!
Park lane - weds
Art college - fri
Well excited about the art college one. Infact i'm not even nervous about it (that will probs change soon)i sat up til 3 this morning going through photography books, and writing down answers to any possible questions, not that either of those will help me. But i was bored and cited as a cited person.

Emma has apparently bought me the unnofficial russell brand autobiography haha. Rock on.

I MISS YOU EMO!!!!!!!!!!!! It sucks you haven't been here for this holiday. Hope you're having fun in tenerifay =]

Other than all that, i've had a flu injection yesterday, my arm still aches a bit, meh. I hate injections, as i said to dad "if you were meant to be stabbed in the arm with needles, then there would already be holes there" lol

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