Anyways, i went into town stright after, got half way round tesco and obviously, i started crying...then mum goes 'oh i'm off now' so i'm stood in the middle of town, stressed out, upset, hating life etc the only thing i could think of was 'oh i'll go to the market place' i got in, the woman goes 'oh i can see you're distressed but you're gonna have to go away for half an hour' so i stood outside crying, alone, feeling the worst i've felt in a few months, listening to bright eyes thinking what i'm usually thinking at that point 'wouldn't it be convenient to just walk in front of a bus' etc (and some stuff i don't really want to say out loud cos it sounds really horrible and selfish)then obviously everyone was too busy with college and stuff and the last thing i needed was to be alone when i was in that state but thats how it was i guess.
I hate how much time i spend alone nowadays, everyone is too busy, even my parents are too busy to do anything with me, even if it's just sitting down for a chat. I can't even make myself feel better nowadays. It's like when i was off work the other week and i came home crying and mum spent like 30 mins with me and goes 'oh i'm off to work now, bye' and left me on my own and when i was like i was on friday i rang her and she goes 'oh well i can't do much i'm already out of town' people don't seem to realise how much been alone drives me insane. It really does, and i know people can't just throw away their lives to make mine better, i just wish there was just like 1 person i could see on a day-to-day basis who i could just talk to about stuff and feel better etc. But there isn't, because everyone is so busy living their own lives that they don't have the time to help me make mine better. I've completely given up on everything tbh, the NHS clearly aren't going to do anything for me, nobody else CAN do anything for me, I can't do anything for me, it's just like whats the point anymore. I don't go out with anyone anymore, if i go anywhere it's ALWAYS alone. I just walk around town on my own, thinking about how shit everything is, how much better it would be if life was normal or i could just have some sort of medication, then i go to these counsellors and shit, expecting them to do something about it KNOWING that it's not just gonna change overnight and that i'm stuck with this for at least the next few years with or without medication. It drives me mad, i can't even do anything about it, and i think thats what makes me feel the worst. I'm just a complete and utter mess, except nobody but me realises just how much because i can't even put into words anymore, so how is anyone even meant to help me in the first place. It's at the point where even if i DID have someone to talk to about it it wouldn't make me feel any better, because just talking isn't gonna make it go away, I'm sick of the fucking doctors blaming it on the fact that i've had 'traumatic experiences' because as i have said many times now it's not even that anymore. It's just my whole life in general, down to the tiniest things, because for me if something can go wrong it ALWAYS does, there's no ifs and buts about it, thats just how it is. And fuck the NHS just giving me leaflets and shit because they can do that all they want, because at the end of the day it's not them who have to live with it so why should they give a shit if they help me out or not.
Anyways, i'd say that going out tonight might help it a bit, but thats not going to happen, because i just know that any time soon Nikki is gonna text me saying "Oh i can't go tonight" because thats what everyone does to me, i'm clearly not supposed to enjoy anything, or have any sort of good thing happen to me, or spend time with people, or feel better even just for a minute anymore. Because who wants to spend time with someone who's just gonna spend hours on end moaning about how much she hates her life and how much she wishes things would get better, because I probably wouldn't.
I've moaned enough anyways, I don't even need to write it on here anymore, it's just taken for granted that this is how i feel about things, I wish they'd fucking do something about it, but they won't, STILL and i CAN'T. Maybe it's better that i just don't go out anywhere or see anyone anymore, at least at home there aren't as many things to go wrong, and i don't need to spend money, and the only thing that will make me hate things a little bit more is that occasionally i'll get the odd text saying 'oh yeah i can't see you i'm busy' or 'aww it sucks you feel like that' and 'lol oh dear'
Thanks a fucking lot everyone, and everything, and me for messing me life up even more than it already was. I know it's so offhand that i'm blaming people for actually DOING something with their life but fuck it, that's how i feel.
So Friday wasn't such a good day, i went to the 'specialist' woman again. I came away with....A LEAFLET ABOUT DEPRESSION and a 'guidance counsellor to help me plan my days' I didn't point it out BUT i don't actually NEED anyone to help me 'plan my days' as my days are planned thanks. I was REALLY pissed off i have to say, i had to stop myself from crying tbh i was that annoyed about it, i mean i could have picked up a leaflet for myself.